SWAG

HOLY SHIT

VINTAGE: Joshua Bui, the Buoy.

The Adventures of ButthurtCatLitterMan.

WORD FOR WORD, BROS

So I was walking back from Popeye's with Pingu and Hamiul. We crossed the street at Mt. Pleasant and we were just passing by the church across the street from the school.

I saw a guy walking in front of us towing around 4-5 boxes of 'Amigo' cat litter in a small cart.

'It's cat litter,' I said to Pingu. Not ButthurtCatLitterMan.

'What's that, bro?' ButthurtCatLitterMan said while walking.

'Nothing, I just said it's cat litter.'

'Yeah, it's cat litter, what about it?'

'Nothing, I just said it's cat litter.'

'So, what, you just do social commentary about things everywhere?'

'Yeah, sure.'

'Watch what the fuck you're saying.'

'Yeah, okay.'

*3 seconds later*

'What, you think that's funny?' and ButthurtCatLitterMan stopped walking and put his forehead into my forehead. I backed away slowly.

'It's cool man, I'm sorry,' I stammered as his head was basically glued to mine and still, I backed away.

'You think it's funny? I saw you smiling at your friend.' And ButthurtCatLitterMan was still staring intently into my eyes because his forehead WAS GLUED TO MINE.

'I didn't smile, I'm sorry, it's cool.' And of course I was stammering at this point. Because this is what he looked like:

And then ButthurtCatLitterMan went back to his cart and towed away his cat litter.

*****************************************************

It's fucking amazing how people can get so worked up over something that was never even said, or implied. Stay in school, kids. You don't want to end up working a minimum wage job transporting cat litter to churches.

Fuck you, ButthurtCatLitterMan. My forehead is mad :(

LIMITED EDITION: Pingu Shoe and the English Speech.

'Okay, go ahead.'

'Alright, my speech is on how you can only think about existentialism when you're detached from society.'

'What the fuck does that mean?'

'I don't know.'

'Anyway, as my friend Uncle Ben once said, with great responsibility comes great power.'

'Wait, wha-'

Mr. Bread and the Legend of the Warrior Part II: Retribution.

One day, Mr. Bread walked into his French class at Northwestern Tertiary School. When he walked in all his students were already seated, because Mr. Bread is always earlier than his students but then he randomly disappears somewhere and no one knows what he is doing.

'Hello, children,' and he rubbed his head while stroking his beard. 'Do you guys like Stephen Harper?'

And then he gave everyone a crocodile smile.

LIMITED EDITION: Lames Pizzazz, the Engineer.

Lames Pizazz used to attend Eastern Quaternary School. All his life, he had dreamed of being an engineer.

'Daddy, I am going to be an engineer,' he used to say to his mother.

'No!' she would cry. 'You must become an artist instead.'

But Lames was lame, and he went against the will of his father. Studying hard in school, Lames was accepted into Everest College for the Engineering Science program.

Lames worked hard to maintain his grades in Everest College. By the end of his four years at the prestigious institute, Lames had scrapped together a 51% average: just enough to get him a career in designing bridges.

'I am done,' Lames reported to his boss by the second month of work. 'Here is my bridge design.'

His boss quickly scanned his blueprints. 'Okay, let's try it.'

Lames' bridge was built, but it collapsed on the first day when over three cars went on the bridge. Over 9 million passengers were injured.

'Pathetic!' Lames' boss yelled afterwards in his office. 'Your work is garbage!'

'But I worked for two months on that design!' Lames cried. 'Doesn't that mean anything?'

'No!' his boss retorted. 'Our last bridge was designed in three weeks, and it has lasted us three years!'

'But, but-'

'Effort doesn't mean anything! Hasn't anyone told you that?'

Lames currently works for LEGO.