SWAG

HOLY SHIT

VINTAGE: Joshua Bui, the Buoy.

The Adventures of ButthurtCatLitterMan.

WORD FOR WORD, BROS

So I was walking back from Popeye's with Pingu and Hamiul. We crossed the street at Mt. Pleasant and we were just passing by the church across the street from the school.

I saw a guy walking in front of us towing around 4-5 boxes of 'Amigo' cat litter in a small cart.

'It's cat litter,' I said to Pingu. Not ButthurtCatLitterMan.

'What's that, bro?' ButthurtCatLitterMan said while walking.

'Nothing, I just said it's cat litter.'

'Yeah, it's cat litter, what about it?'

'Nothing, I just said it's cat litter.'

'So, what, you just do social commentary about things everywhere?'

'Yeah, sure.'

'Watch what the fuck you're saying.'

'Yeah, okay.'

*3 seconds later*

'What, you think that's funny?' and ButthurtCatLitterMan stopped walking and put his forehead into my forehead. I backed away slowly.

'It's cool man, I'm sorry,' I stammered as his head was basically glued to mine and still, I backed away.

'You think it's funny? I saw you smiling at your friend.' And ButthurtCatLitterMan was still staring intently into my eyes because his forehead WAS GLUED TO MINE.

'I didn't smile, I'm sorry, it's cool.' And of course I was stammering at this point. Because this is what he looked like:

And then ButthurtCatLitterMan went back to his cart and towed away his cat litter.

*****************************************************

It's fucking amazing how people can get so worked up over something that was never even said, or implied. Stay in school, kids. You don't want to end up working a minimum wage job transporting cat litter to churches.

Fuck you, ButthurtCatLitterMan. My forehead is mad :(

LIMITED EDITION: Pingu Shoe and the English Speech.

'Okay, go ahead.'

'Alright, my speech is on how you can only think about existentialism when you're detached from society.'

'What the fuck does that mean?'

'I don't know.'

'Anyway, as my friend Uncle Ben once said, with great responsibility comes great power.'

'Wait, wha-'

Mr. Bread and the Legend of the Warrior Part II: Retribution.

One day, Mr. Bread walked into his French class at Northwestern Tertiary School. When he walked in all his students were already seated, because Mr. Bread is always earlier than his students but then he randomly disappears somewhere and no one knows what he is doing.

'Hello, children,' and he rubbed his head while stroking his beard. 'Do you guys like Stephen Harper?'

And then he gave everyone a crocodile smile.

LIMITED EDITION: Lames Pizzazz, the Engineer.

Lames Pizazz used to attend Eastern Quaternary School. All his life, he had dreamed of being an engineer.

'Daddy, I am going to be an engineer,' he used to say to his mother.

'No!' she would cry. 'You must become an artist instead.'

But Lames was lame, and he went against the will of his father. Studying hard in school, Lames was accepted into Everest College for the Engineering Science program.

Lames worked hard to maintain his grades in Everest College. By the end of his four years at the prestigious institute, Lames had scrapped together a 51% average: just enough to get him a career in designing bridges.

'I am done,' Lames reported to his boss by the second month of work. 'Here is my bridge design.'

His boss quickly scanned his blueprints. 'Okay, let's try it.'

Lames' bridge was built, but it collapsed on the first day when over three cars went on the bridge. Over 9 million passengers were injured.

'Pathetic!' Lames' boss yelled afterwards in his office. 'Your work is garbage!'

'But I worked for two months on that design!' Lames cried. 'Doesn't that mean anything?'

'No!' his boss retorted. 'Our last bridge was designed in three weeks, and it has lasted us three years!'

'But, but-'

'Effort doesn't mean anything! Hasn't anyone told you that?'

Lames currently works for LEGO.

Good Times: Grade 11 Biology.

Mr. LeDeo was a biology teacher. Throughout his year teaching 11th grade biology at Southwestern Secondary School, he was advised by the school board to teach under the following curriculum:

- Cellular Functions.

- Genetic Continuity.
- Internal Systems and Regulations.
- Diversity of Living Things.
- Plants: Anatomy, Growth, and Functions.


This is what the legend, Mr. LeDeo, taught:

- Cells and Random-ass Organisms.

- Evolution, except he made the students teach themselves. Brilliant.
- Organs, but not human organs: dead pig organs.


On the day of the biology exam, the students sat down for a 70-question Scantron and a long answer page. 

#32 on the Scantron:

'In what atrium of the human heart does the VA cardiogram spike and cause an electrical QSR bicuspid failure?'

And then all the students knew LeDeo was a troll.

Alicks Triggert and the Bomb.

Alicks was a boy. He looked like a criminal because he shaved too often. But that is another story.

Alicks was a student at St. Churassco's Senior Low School. He was an excellent student with good grades. His average for the term was over 32%. That is really good, Alicks! Give yourself a pat on the back!

One day Alicks was working hard on a math problem. Alicks was always working in class and not talking like he should have been. Nevertheless, he always solved every problem with perfection, because Alicks was a good student who looked like a criminal.

'PUT YOUR HANDS UP' a booming voice yelled. Everyone looked up and saw that a big robber had burst into the classroom. He was dark-skinned, because he went to the beach very often. If you thought otherwise, it is because you are a racist bigot.

The robber took everyone's money and proceeded to leave. But before leaving, he dropped a ticking time bomb on the ground. Then he left the room and barricaded it from the outside. Then he replaced the windows from the outside with liquid cement. See, this robber was quite the terrorist.

The bomb was ticking:

9... 8... 7...

'Alicks!' the other students chorused. 'Save us! You're the only one who can!'

6... 5... 4...

'NO! I MUST DO MATH!' and he put his earphones back into his criminal ears.

3... 2... 1...

Everyone died except for Alicks, because the bomb blew up exactly everything around him.

Calculus & Vectors: A Classic Tale.

Once upon a time, Calculus & Vectors was a mathematics class available at Western Primary School. The teacher was Mr. Okey-Dokey, a happy man. Amongst the students attending the class were several very, very bright students.

The first was P.T. He was a total badass, and he would fuck everybody up. Don't mess with him; he'll burn your house down.

Next was Vanahan. Vanahan was a nice, golden-brown boy who enjoyed everything in life. A particular aspect he enjoyed was infuriating people. Young Vanahan would carefully place his left index finger over his upper lip whilst pointing at his victims with his right index finger, stirring up mixed feelings of humor and frustration and pure happiness.

Next was Yulie Ju. All she could think of everyday was rubbing Vaseline on her body and pretending she was a slug. Her favorite fruit was raspberries.

Then came L-Bert. L-Bert was a fashionable penguin.

Lames Pizzazz was a hardworking student. But he was still bad at Calculus & Vectors, because Lames was lame.

Next was Madam Abrahim, a French teacher. She enjoyed mathematics so she pretended to be a student. She is going to get fired one day for not doing her job.

Cick Nook was a boy with curly hair. He will grow up to be a clown.

Wavid Dei was a boy who wasn't a student but came to class anyway. No one knew who he was, because he was a nobody. A nobody. Wavid enjoyed watching House and fantasizing about Hugh Laurie in a mountain of slug-scented raspberries. 

Last but not least, there was Gulia Joyal. Gulia sat in the front of the class and tried really, really hard. But then she overstressed herself and was placed in the hospital.

The end.

Jershua Gui.

One day Jershua Gui was at his friend's house. There were many people there because it was someone's birthday. But Jershua was not there to celebrate that individual's birthday. He was there for something else.

When no one was looking, Jershua crept over to the refreshments table and poured himself around 10 ml of COCA-COLA. COCA-COLA was what Jershua was looking for, because COCA-COLA was the coolest thing around, ever.

Jershua slowly brought the cup to his lips. He could almost taste the sugar on his tongue before it got there. And then before he knew it, he had ingested over THREE DROPS of the soda into his stomach. THREE DROPS!

'I'M SOOOOOOOOOO WASTED' Jershua yelled and he threw his cup into the air. Everyone watched as Jershua began dancing and then suddenly, before anyone could save him, he fell to the ground with a sickening thud.

And then Jersh lost all his teeth to cavities from the soda.

Raheem and the Band.

Raheem was always a good boy. He had a passion for music and he enjoyed playing his guitar. One day, he decided to start a band.

But then Raheem realized he had no friends.

So then Raheem could not start a band.

Bert, the Homogeneous.

Bert was a homogeneous boy. That means his biological composition was very uniform. It does not insinuate anything else. If you thought it meant something else, you are probably homogeneous as well.

Everyone liked Bert. But secretly, everyone hated Bert. They were tired of his frivolous ways and his nonchalant style. 

'Hey guys, I really like cardigans and v-neck t-shirts and vests.'

'Get the fuck out of here.'

Bert became a penguin.

Bonathan Jiafore, the Lover of Say Gex.

Bonathan Jiafore was a boy. But no one called him Bonathan. Everyone called him Jiafore.

Jiafore loved a great many things. He enjoyed eating salami, pastrami, pizza, and pasta. Perhaps he was Italian. Maybe. Regardless, there was one thing that Jiafore loved above all else: Say Gex.

That's right, Jiafore loved saying the word 'gex.' To him, it was actually the acronym G.E.X, which stood for 'Gigantic Earth Xylophones.' Jiafore also loved to play the xylophones, for they were his favorite instrument.

'Is mayonnaise an instrument?' he once asked in class, but then Sandy the Squirrel stuck a trombone on his head.

Jiafore would say 'gex' whenever he could. It became his trademark throughout his school. No one loved Say Gex more than Jiafore, because Jiafore loved Say Gex.

But then Spongebob loved Say Gex more.

Honti Jarris, the Girl.

'Hello, gentlemen. I'd like to discuss a very important individual for this week's Gathering of the Trolls. This guy, er, girl, is named Honti. Honti Jarris.'

*sparse murmuring*

'Okay, I'll start.'

*Ahem*

'Honti was not always a girl. In fact, Honti is still a boy to this date. But his mind played tricks, and thus Honti was a girl.'

'Honti Jarris grew up in the suburbs in Coronto, Tanada. She enjoyed video games and playing with her friends. But then she went to high school, and everything changed.'

'With near perfect attendance at Southern Tertiary School, Honti was not afraid to let her feminine traits shine through. She waxed her hairy legs and wore miniskirts to every single class. And she had the attention of every single boy in all of her classes.'

'But then Honti realized that she had no breasts. She was flatter than a really, really flat soda. And it wasn't even her fault. Well, actually, it was. Honti was a guy, remember?'

*sparse laughter*

'Right. Okay. So Honti took two balloons and filled them to the brim with hydrochloric acid. Now, you're probably wondering how the balloons didn't melt on contact with the acid.'

'So, Honti tied both balloons and stuck them in her shirt near the chest area. She walked into school the next morning and every teenager saw that Honti had went from -32A to 34Z in a single day.'

'But alas! Honti's nipples were stiff from the cold, and they burst the balloons. Honti was drenched in hydrochloric acid and her flesh melted right off her bones. Honti was DEAD.'

*sparse concern*

*sparse laughter*

Sax Mhin and the Legend of the Witch.

Sax Mhin was a boy. Ever since Sax was an even younger boy, he dreamed of witches. He dreamed of witches to take him away in his sleep as to escape his bleak, horrible household where nothing of any sort ever happened. 


These witches came to Sax in the form of men. They were not female witches. They were wizards with droopy noses and long, pubescent beards. But Sax called them witches anyway. Sax also liked to dress in women's clothes.


One day, Sax changed into his mother's dress and got ready for bed. He threw his glasses in the furnace and climbed onto his mattress. His mattress was very, very white. It used to be a dark brown, but as Sax grew up, his mattress grew whiter.


Sax rested his head on his pillow and began to doze off into a pleasant dream of candied flowers and tight shorts. But then Sax heard a bump near the frame of his bed.


'Hello, Sax.'


Sax woke up with a fright. He found himself face to face with an old man with a long, stringy beard dressed completely in grey robes. He was holding a staff.


'Witches!' Sax cried. He quickly got out of bed to get a closer look at the man.


'My dear Sax, my name is Gandalf the Grey,' the man said. 'I am a wizard.'


'Witches!' Sax cried. He quickly pulled off his mother's dress, exposing his underwear.


'No, no, my dear boy. I am a wizard, not a witch.' Gandalf took his spectacles off. 'See? I am male.'


'Witches!' Sax cried as he reached into his boxer briefs.


'Wait, what are you do-'


And then Gandalf the Grey was Gandalf the White.

Art thou releasing tears, brethren?

'Fuck!'

'What?'

'Dude, I just dropped my phone.'

'You gonna cry about it, bro?'

'No, what the fuck? I just dropped my phone!'

'Yeah, you gonna cry?'

'Shut the fuck up! This thing cost me, like, $450.00!'

'So you're gonna cry now.'

'Dude, shut the fuck up and help me piece this back together-'

'Are those tears?'

'Damn, the battery isn't fitting-'

'Yeah, those are tears.'

'DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME.'

'Okay, let me get some tissues.'

The Flamboyant Adventures of Hamiul Zaque.

Hamiul Zaque was a man. He enjoyed the taste of red, chubby boys and reveled in the thought of abducting such fine, thick specimens for his personal pleasures. Hamiul lived in a van.

Inside this white van, Hamiul would read books about young boys and gaze at magazines of male toddlers and their playful activities. Hamiul longed for a young boy, for Hamiul was once a young boy. 

One day, Hamiul captured a young boy at the local elementary school and massaged his flesh. 

'Do you like that?'

'Why are you touching me, Mr. Zaque?'

'Because I am going to eat you.'

Hamiul placed the boy into a pot and slowly roasted him in a cornucopia of sauces and spices. After an hour, Hamiul removed the carcass and sucked the marrow out of the boy's bones. They were delicious in his opinion. 

The flesh was wonderful to Hamiul, for he loved the flesh of little boys.

Hamiul took bite after bite of the succulent flesh. It was sweet and bloody and delicious and bloody and somehow sweet at the same time. All these flavors made Hamiul blush and vomit simultaneously. Then he began to lick the vomit off the ground.

'What the fuck are you doing?'

Hamiul looked up and saw his father staring down at him. He was back home from work.

'Father, I am eating a young boy.'

Hamiul's father dropped his briefcase. 'Yes, I know you are a woman.'

The two men held hands and jumped out the window on the thirtieth floor of the apartment. They died a graceful death on a white van.

Hamiul's van.